The launch party for Before the Water Gets Cold is tonight at Small Bar on Erskine Street. If you have any questions, want to meet the cast or hear some snippets from the script, or just want to hang out with some cool folks and talk about art and relationships and shit, then you should definitely come along any time between 7pm and 11pm.

As our show opens in just two weeks now, I figured this would be the perfect time to clear up some Frequently Asked Questions about the show.

Remember to buy your tickets ASAP:


What is this show about?

“Love on the water, love underwater, love, love, and so on.” – Richard Siken

Or, y’know, something like that.

What is love?

Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.

What is water?

A metaphor.

What is loneliness?

You are.

Why am I lonely?

You are alive.

Why are you lonely?

Because I write plays instead of forming meaningful connections with other humans.

Is this show appropriate for children?

Yes. This show about the impending apocalypse of human emotion can be classified as ‘good, clean fun for the whole family’.

Can I bring a date to this show?

Of course. Nothing sets up a long-lasting committed relationship like theatrical diatribe on the slow and painful demise of prescriptive monogamy.

Is this the one written by Russell Crowe?

No, you are thinking of historical fiction war drama The Water Diviner. This is about love.

Oh, it’s the one with Chris Evans and whatserface?

No, you are thinking of the 2014 romantic drama Before We Go.

Right, so it’s the thing with Nicole Kidman and Colin Firth.

No, you are thinking of the British-American-French-Swedish thriller Before I Go To Sleep. This is not a thriller. This is dance.

So it’s the one with the crazy ballerina?

No, you are thinking of Black Swan. This is a play.

Is this that play about the deconstruction of the heteronormative script with the two characters with ambiguous gender identities written by Charles O’Grady? Telescope or something?

No, that play was on earlier this year, this is that other play about the deconstruction of the heteronormative script with the two characters with ambiguous gender identities written by Charles O’Grady.

That one play with the bathtub?

No, not that play with the bathtub.

That other play with the bathtub, then?

No, it is that other other play with the bathtub.

Will this have cool dancing like Nacho Pop does?


Is Nacho Pop in this show?


How do I find the venue?

Follow the sounds of weeping and wailing and pop music.

How do I find fulfilment in my life?

Follow the sounds of weeping and wailing and pop music.

Will this play help me find fulfilment in my life?


Will there be any Pokémon in the venue to find?

All Pokémon are required to purchase a concession ticket before entering the theatre.

Will the Pokémon help me find fulfilment in my life?

They may be the only thing that ever does.

Will I be alone forever?

Yes. And then you will die.



Is this show realism?


Is this show surrealism?


Is it absurdism?


Is it even a play?

Not really.

So what is it then?

It’s Carly Rae Jepsen meets Lemonade meets 808s and Heartbreak meets Harry meets Sally.

Oh, so it’s a musical.

Also no.

I’m allergic to overdone and overwrought romantic comedy tropes which are passed off by entertainment and lifestyle media as “just things that happen in real life”, will this show trigger a reaction?

Yes. Severely. If you are allergic in any way to formulaic romantic comedies, sappy love songs, melodrama, or the Power of Dance, please do not step inside this theatre and, where possible, maintain a 100 metre distance from the premises at all times.

Does anyone die in this show?

No, but someone gets covered in fruit.

Do they all live happily ever after?

I don’t know, do they ever?

Will this show make me sad?


Will it make me happy?


Will it fill the self-inflicted chasm in my soul and quiet the insecure whisperings in my head?

No. If anything it will rip that gaping chasm wider.

I got to this page by Google searching nicotine gum. Will this show help me quit smoking?


What happens when the water gets cold?

You get out of the bath.